11:07am

Sun July 29, 2012
Politics

Will Durst: Romney, presumptive tax dodger

Who knows why Mitt Romney doesn’t release his old tax records. Obviously he's hiding something. But what?

So desperate to avoid the question, he ran away to the Olympics. Why? Because that’s where the cameras are pointed. And apparently he’s determined to get in front of them and not answer any questions about his taxes, which makes a person wonder even more what could possibly be buried under there. Is it too complicated for we mere mortals to understand. Or something nefarious?

Allow me to wildly offer up a couple of conjectures on possible skeletons buried in the Mitt Romney tax crypts:

1. He doesn’t just have a bank account in the Cayman Islands; he owns 2 of the three Cayman Islands.

2. He tithes 10 percent of income every year to Scientology.

3. He claims 9 kids as dependents.

4. His actual adjusted net worth after taxes is a bazilliondy dollars.

5. Turns out Mitt really IS short for Mittens.

6. In 2004, he wrote off $60,000 in Chinese made hair products.

7. Back in the late 80s, his closest business associate was Pablo Escobar.

8. Served 18 months in prison for tax evasion while governor of Massachusetts and nobody noticed. (Known in the yard as Shifty.)

9. Biggest charitable donation was to Green Peace.

10. Holds the lease on a 120,000 square foot warehouse in Nevada filled to the rafters with sex toys.

11. Was the brains behind Bernie Madoff.

12. Claims Newt Gingrich books on tape as therapeutic deductions.

13. Has the state of South Dakota placed in his IRA.

14. Not only paid no taxes for the years 1990-2002, but it turns out we owe him $400,000,000.

The opinions of Will Durst do not necessarily reflect the opinions of Crosscurrents or KALW.

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